Kokuhaku
April, year 2040
Sigma sat at her desk, patiently waiting for their homeroom teacher to arrive. She felt as if she was failing, only a week into her first high school year and she felt like she was completely out of place.
Her family had moved again, she didn’t mind, making friends had always been easy for her. Maybe that was her problem, she was too friendly. Too cheerful, liked everything, hated almost nothing, didn’t really have a strong opinion on anything either. She didn’t fit into any of the friendship circles she saw around her. She wanted to.
Leaning forward and resting her chin in her hands, she felt her knees grazing the underside of the desk. Sigma stretched her legs out, her feet becoming well visible past the desk edge. She frowned.
Not only was she missing a place to fit in, she wanted romance to. That classical head-over-heels in love romance. But who would even like her? Too tall, too skinny, definitely no boobs to speak of. Unattractive in every way.
Finally the clock on the wall ticked past eight and their teacher showed up, tailed by a small boy. Their teacher stood in front of the whiteboard and waited for her students to settle. Sigma sat up straight.
“Good morning everyone, today we’ll start by welcoming a late arrival, please introduce yourself”
The boy took a step forward, where he stood next to the desk.
“Hajimemashite, I’m Hamasaki Epsylon. I attended Katawashi middle school, please to meet you all” he greeted and bowed halfheartedly.
Sigma liked the way he looked, wild and different. His hair was a mess of turquoise shades and his fur curled naturally on his ears and tail, he had to at least be a poodle mix, or a pumi maybe? He had bright orange eyes and a general look of rebellion over him despite wearing the same school uniform as everybody else. She liked his name to. He had written it on the whiteboard after their teacher asked him to, “浜先 ε” it read.
“What kind of name is Epsylon?” a girl piped up from the back of the classroom. “You only wrote a single letter on the board” she added.
“Oh uh, it’s Greek. The letter itself is called Epsilon.” He explained.
“Why don’t you write it out in katakana, Hamasaki-kun. It’ll make it easier for your classmates to remember” the teacher suggested. The boy shrugged and grabbed the marker again, adding ”エプシロン” next to his single letter name.
“May I take a seat now?” he asked and the teacher nodded, looking around the classroom.
“Why don’t you take seat over by Koumajutsu-kun” she said, gesturing to Sigma who raised her hand to show where he was supposed to go.
Sigma watched him sit down and then when he turned to her, she bowed slightly in her seat. “Hi, Koumajutsu Sigma, please to meet you” she said and Hamasaki’s ears perked up.
“Like the Greek letter?” he asked and Sigma nodded, grinning.
“Yeah! Can I call you Epsylon-kun?”
“Sure, if I can call you Sigma-san.”
They whispered quietly about their names for a few minutes. For a few years it had been trendy to name your children using the Greek alphabet. Sigma had never met anyone before with a name like that but Epsylon told her, he had had several schoolmates with Greek letter names. Sigma hoped they could talk more before they went to their first lesson.
At the end of homeroom Nijima, their class president, came over and leaned on Epsylon’s desk.
“Hey Chibi-san” he said, and Sigma could see Epsylon didn’t like that.
“It’s Hamasaki” he corrected; tone flat.
“Sure, sure.” Nijima just replied nonchalantly and crouched down. “You into any sports? Registration closes at the end of this week. So, if you want in you have to go sign up” he explained.
“… no, I’m not really into sports” Epsylon muttered, taking out the books he would need for the first lesson.
“I guessed as much, you’re pretty tiny” Nijima noted.
“Hey-”
“Nijima-kun…” Sigma hurried to interrupt Epsylon, she could tell he was going to say something nasty. She leaned her arms on her desk and both the boys looked to her.
“What, skyscraper?” Nijima replied in a bitter tone.
“Instead of picking on Epsylon-san maybe you could inform him that we also have cultural clubs and that sign up for those open next week? You know, do your job?”
“Freak!” he snapped at her, slamming both his hands down on Epsylon’s desk before storming off. Sigma sat back with a sigh, she hated when people passively picked on others.
“You didn’t have to do that.” Epsylon told her and she threw him a glance.
“I know. But picking a fight on your first day isn’t the greatest way of starting a new school year and besides, Nijima-kun and I already don’t get along, I know him from middle school” she answered shrugging. Gathering her own book so they could leave for the next class.
“Oh… okay then. Why did he call you skyscraper though? That seemed really… odd” Epsylon paused as he watched her stand and she grinned at him.
“Wanna take a guess?” she asked.
“You’re tall” it was like he was holding his breath. “How tall?”
“Haha, no comment” Sigma answered as they left the classroom.
“fair enough… hey-”
Sigma turned back as Epsylon paused, he gave a her a soft smile.
“Thanks.”
Her heart skipped a beat and she smiled back.
● ● ●
June, year 2040
Books were apparently a necessity when studying, how did they not have a more extensive digital library?
Epsylon cursed the school library again as he looked at the shelf in front of him. Ladders and stepstools had the amazing ability to disappear when he needed them. So he was now trying to decide on the best way to get the book he needed, about ten rows up.
“Can I be of assistance?”
Epsylon snapped his head in the direction of the voice. Sigma was standing down the aisle with a stack of books in her arms.
“Sure, can you get me a copy of World history?” he asked pointing up to the shelf it was on. “This library has something against short people” he added as he watched his classmate reach for the book. She was a really cool person, he liked how she, even though she was a whole head taller than him, never made him feel small. Everyone else always found a way to rub that in his face, but she just didn’t seem to mind. She had a really contagious smile too.
“Well this is embarrassing, it’s out of my reach” Sigma said after a moment of tiptoeing and stretching herself the tallest she could, the book was still just out of her reach. “Mind helping out?” she asked putting her books on a nearby table.
“How am I supposed to reach it if you can’t?” Epsylon asked as Sigma crouched down.
“By getting on my shoulders, come on” she said grinning at him.
“… but I’m heavy” Epsylon blurted out without even thinking. That didn’t even make sense, why had he said that? But it made her laugh.
“Yeah, I’m sure you weight a ton. Come on now” she told him.
Epsylon shrugged and tossed his books on the table next to hers. With help he got on her shoulder and took her hands as she held them up. “Alright, up we go” Sigma rose with ease and good balance. Epsylon was not quite ready for the sudden lift and squeezed her hands. She noticed.
“You doing okay?” she asked, looking up at him.
“I just realized how little I am” he mumbled through his teeth, making Sigma laugh again.
“Don’t be silly, you’re very average. Get your book now” she said. Epsylon slowly moved his hands from hers to the shelf. Sigma rested her hands on his feet as he got the book off the shelf.
“How am I gonna get down?” Epsylon asked, noticing the new challenge.
“Oh that’s easy, first give me the book” Sigma explained, he gave her to book and she put in on the table with the rest of them. “Now just give me your hands and-” as Sigma let go of Epsylon’s ankles, he let go of the shelf. He felt himself slipping of her shoulders, this was what he got for not listening till she was done talking. He waited to hit the floor but instead got yanked to a sudden stop.
He opened his eyes and found Sigma staring down at him, bewildered look in her eyes. Her eyes were so green. But she had caught him, somehow, and she was cradling him so close.
“N-nice catch…” Epsylon’s mumbled.
“Never thought cheerleading would be useful outside of rallying crowds at sport events” she seemed just as stunned as he was, a smile had snuck its way onto her face anyway.
“Please put me down…” he added, feeling his face grow hot.
“Oh, sorry!”
Once his feet were on the ground again Epsylon straightened his uniform and went and picked up his books. Sigma was still smiling to herself.
“How do you do that?” he asked.
“Do what?” She replied, taking her own books from the table.
“You just, you smile. A lot and all the time. You always look so happy, happy for no reason?” he tried to explain.
Sigma paused for a moment, pouting. Even when pouting the corners of her mouth were turned upwards and made it look like she was still smiling.
“I don’t know, I guess I just don’t see the point in being bitter when I can be happy.” she said making him chuckle. “Class starts in a bit so I have to go, see you later!” she waved goodbye.
“Thanks for the book!” he called after her, she turned back and smiled. But it was soft and… not as loud.
“Anytime!” she called back.
His heart skipped a beat, and he smiled back.
● ● ●
July-August, year 2040
Sigma was lying in her bed, the air was so stagnant, even though she had the window wide open. It would be a hot summer. She had her cellphone in her hand, trying to decide if she should text him or not. She’d fallen for him, for Epsylon. She was head-over-heels in love, like she had hoped to be but, what if he didn’t feel the same? She didn’t want to be rejected.
She had managed to talk one of Epsylon’s friends into giving her his cellphone number and she’d had it for days unsure of what to write to him. With a frustrated sigh she rolled over on her stomach and flipped her phone open, she typed out a short text and sent it before she could change her mind again.
Epsylon put his pencil down to poke at his cellphone where it sat next to his textbook.
Unknown nr: Big things come in small packages.
He stared at the text for a moment, wondering if it was a wrong number or some kind of joke. He leaned over the phone and typed out a reply with just his index finger then hit send.
ε: Who are you?
Unknown nr: It’s a secret.
ε: How did you get my number?
Unknown nr: Your friend gave it to me :)
ε: Which one of my friends?
Unknown nr: One of them ;D
ε: Okay so it’s a secret… what do I call you?
Unknown nr: Call me anything you like.
ε: Then I’ll call you Natsu P=
Epsylon went into the options for the unknown number and changed its title to Natsu.
Natsu: Natsu… I like that name :)
Epsylon didn’t know what to write back, so he left the phone lying next to his books, ‘Natsu’ didn’t text again that night.
Natsu: What is Hamasaki Epsylon doing tonight?
ε: I’m cleaning in the kitchen.
Natsu: Oh sorry. I didn’t mean to interrupt you.
ε: I don’t mind. I’m done now anyway… Natsu, are you a boy or a girl?
Epsylon had been fishing for days, trying to figure out who this cellphone person was, they were super secretive. So now he resorted to playing something like 20 questions.
Natsu: I’m a girl.
ε: and how old are you?
Natsu: I’m your age :3
That didn’t help him much. He had lots of friends, all his age, many were girls. He needed details, details this person refused to give. At least he knew a little more now.
Sigma stood in the backyard, filling up a small kiddy pool with water. The weather had gotten so hot she couldn’t stay inside anymore. She stepped into the tiny pool and sat down, sighing as the water cooled her body. She grabbed her phone, which she had stuffed in one of her shoes and took a picture of the sky. There was a single cloud floating by. She sent the picture to Epsylon.
ε: My sky looks the same.
She smiled at the reply, before tossing her phone to the side and sinking deeper into the little pool.
“Hey, do you guys know where this is?” Epsylon asked and showed a photo on his phones to his friends across the table, they were at a café. Over the past week he had chatted with Natsu almost every night, short conversations about nothing at all. Natsu had sent him another photo, asking him to guess where it was taken.
His friends looked at the photo. “Isn’t that from the north side of town? Like, it’s not exactly around our school but a few blocks away from it” one of them said and the other one nodded.
“Oh” Epsylon said looking at the photo again.
“Where did you get the picture form?”
“A friend sent it to me” Epsylon answered with a shrug, putting his phone back in his pocket.
“So why don’t you ask them where it’s from?”
“We’re kind of playing a game… hey, have either of you given my number to a girl?” he then asked but seeing the faces his friends made he just sighed. “Never mind…”
Epsylon spent the next week chasing photos Natsu sent him all over town. None of them seemed to give him more clues as to who Natsu was though. But it was so much fun, he had lived in Komatsu all his life but had never explored it like this.
Sigma sat in the bathtub when her phone played its short tune announcing a text had arrived. She wiped her hands on a towel and grabbed her phone to read the text.
ε: What might Natsu be doing?
Natsu: I’m taking a bath, what are you up to?
ε: I’m just watching TV with the family.
Natsu: Do you have a big family?
ε: Not really. Just mom and my older brother. Is Natsu’s family big?
Sigma looked at the text for a while. There was about a week left of summer vacation, she hated how she had planned to actually call him at the start of the summer but had ended up texting him like some crazy secret admirer.
Natsu: I have a mom and a dad.
Epsylon sat up straight in the sofa where he had been half lying next to his brother. If Natsu was telling the truth about having no siblings and being a girl, it narrowed down the amount of people it could be significantly, he could recall maybe a handful of girls his age that were only children and went to Shura gakuen.
ε: I’m gonna figure out who you are!
Natsu: I hope you do.
Sigma tossed her phone on the towel she had left folded on the floor and leaned on the edge of the tub. Her heart hurt, it was hard to secretly love someone.
Epsylon sat under the window in his small room. There was two short days left of summer vacation. He still hadn’t figured out who Natsu was. He liked Natsu, he wanted to meet her. His phone made a sound. He knew it was Natsu, she had her own ringtone now.
Natsu: Natsu can’t sleep.
ε: I can’t sleep either.
Natsu: I can’t stop thinking about you…
ε: I want to know who you are.
Natsu: Do you like Natsu?
ε: Sure.
Natsu: Because I love you, and I want you to like me back.
Epsylon paused. It clearly said ‘love’, Epsylon wasn’t sure how to respond. When he thought about liking someone, loving someone, Sigma’s image fell into his mind. He had liked her from the start. She was always happy and smiling for nothing, and even thought she was tall she somehow never made him feel small. Now Natsu was confessing her love for him, he didn’t even know who Natsu was. He liked her but not like he liked Sigma.
ε: Since when?
Natsu: Since the first time I saw you. I asked your friend for your number so I could call you. So I could talk to you. But I got scared and couldn’t do more than send dumb texts…
ε: So call me, we can talk…
Natsu: You don’t like me like that… do you?
ε: Sorry. When I think about it. I do like you but there’s someone I like more… sorry.
Natsu didn’t reply, Epsylon tried sending another text, then another and another. He lost count after seven and decided he should stop. Maybe she just needed to think for a bit. He needed to think to.
● ● ●
End of August, year 2040
School had started again, first day of the autumn term. Sigma stood under the staircase at the south end of their school, she had slipped a note into Epsylon’s locker asking him to meet her there, she had signed it ‘Natsu’, maybe that had been a dumb idea. But she really hoped he would come. She was squeezing her cellphone in her pocket, wanting to text him and say ‘never mind I was kidding’. But she couldn’t hold back anymore, she was awful at keeping secrets and this summer had been torture. Just finding out that he had someone else he liked made her want to cry. But she needed to tell him, face to face, that she liked him. Then she could move on.
The school was empty, everyone else was in the gymnasium to attend the opening ceremony. So when she heard footsteps down the hall she knew it was him. Epsylon rounded the corner and as soon as he laid his eyes on her he seemed to freeze up.
“S-sigma-san” he stuttered out, looking confused.
“Hi” Sigma said carefully.
“What are you doing here? Have you seen someone else around here?” Epsylon asked. She could see he was expecting someone else. It hadn’t even occurred to him that she could be Natsu and why would he? She had barely told him anything about herself.
“No, it’s just me. I’m the one wo left you the note…” Sigma said carefully smiling a little, she felt so awkward. “I have something I want to tell you…”
“Wait, stop!” Epsylon shouted and pointed at her. “That’s not right because it was Natsu that left the note and-” Epsylon stopped and pulled the note from his pocket waving the crumpled piece of paper in front of Sigma. “Did my friends put you up to this?!” he yelled. His friends loved teasing him. He was short and his fuse was even shorter. It was so typical of them to set up a prank like this. They knew about Natsu.
“What? No. I’m telling you I’m-” Sigma hurried to explain but Epsylon interrupted her again. This was going so wrong. Why was he so angry?
“Don’t! Okay? Just don’t! You’re good at acting but I figured it out so just stop it!” Epsylon ran his hands over his hair trying to calm down. Those guys were getting their asses kicked later, how could they?
“But… let me finish. No one put me up to this, I really love y-”
“I said shut up!! You’re in on it! They told you about Natsu and that I like you. I thought you were a nice person but you’re just…”
Sigma never cried. But it was all going so wrong, this wasn’t how she had imagined it at all. She couldn’t help but let the salty drops roll down her cheeks as he yelled at her. When he paused for breath, she hurried to interrupt.
“I’m Natsu!” she shouted, Epsylon paused. “I’m Natsu…” she said again in a sob. She rubbed the sleeve of her cardigan over her face clearing away the tears as she sobbed again.
“… You’re joking right?” Epsylon said after watching her for a moment. Sigma wanted to die, he didn’t believe her. She sank down on the floor and did her best to at least not start sobbing again. “Unbelievable…” Epsylon hissed, turning around to leave.
“Big things come in small packages!” Sigma shouted at him, he stopped. “Natsu… I like that name” she continued. “I’m a girl, I’m your age… do you like Natsu!?”
Epsylon winched. She was reciting Natsu’s text messages, he hadn’t show those to anyone. He swallowed to make the lump in his throat go away. “Because I love you and I want you to like me back!” she sobbed. Epsylon swallowed again and turned back towards Sigma. She’d never looked so small, sitting hunched over on the floor sobbing to her hands. He had messed up. Big time messed up. This is what he got for not letting her finish. He was awful.
“… I do” he mumbled, sounding dejected.
Sigma stopped mid-sob and looked up. Epsylon was staring at the floor between them, grinding his teeth. Somehow everything that had been said caught up to her.
They told you about Natsu, and that I like you.
She was the other girl! The one he had told Natsu he liked. The tears stopped right away; everything would be okay. She rubbed the sleeves of her cardigan over her eyes and cheeks one last time. Epsylon carefully stepped closer, hands balled up at his sides.
“Sorry… for yelling at you…” he mumbled, and she managed to catch his eye. She stood up without breaking eye-contact and held his hands firmly.
“I love you” she reaffirmed, more confident now.
“I’m sorry… I didn’t think-” Epsylon started on an apology for what he had said just minutes earlier, but Sigma grabbed his face and planted the softest kiss on his lips.
“I forgive you… I’m at fault to, I shouldn’t have made up Natsu, that’s was dumb. I should’ve been more honest… I just… I love you so much, I didn’t want to be rejected.” she said, and she was smiling again.
“I… I love you” he replied.